I'd noticed a lot of Belgian, French, German and Dutch cars driving around Cornwall so I said to my friend "There's a lot of foreigners here this year!"
He replied,: "Ayse - 'n a lot of people from overseas too!"
Thanks to Patrick French of Pendarves House for this one
An Englishman decides to have some fun at the locals' expense. Seeing a rustic fellow at work in a garden he calls out, "I say my man!? I don't suppose you've seen a cart load a monkeys around here?"
The gardener replied, "Why?? Falled off 'ave 'e?"
Thanks to Mike Kippax for this joke which came to him via the Cornwall Records Office.
A Cornish miner fell down a tin mine shaft. His fellow miners called down the shaft to him, "Ess anythin' brokun?".
"Naw", he replied, "there's nawthen down 'ere but a few rocks".
Thanks, to Alan Grose, the Cornishman who lives in Indiana, for submitting this one.
Farmer to his wife,"When I parssed the barn Fred 'ad 'anged iself from a beam".
"Did 'ee cut'n down?" said the wife.
"No 'ee wad'n dead yet." said the farmer.
Thanks again, to Alan Grose, the Cornishman who lives in Indiana, for submitting this one, told to him originally by the renowned Bard, the late Dr. A.L Rowse.
An American, from W. Virginia, on holiday was coming across the Torpoint Ferry into Cornwall for the first time.
Upon seeing some seagulls, he said to the man next to him, "Them's durned pretty burds."
The man said, "Them's gulls."
"Well", said the American, "Gulls or boys, them's durned pretty burds."
Joe: "Good hevening, Dicky, 'ow be 'ee,then? I just cum 'ere to ax 'bout that spaade yew borried las' week."
Dicky: "Aw dear, I lent 'un to Sam, iss I did. Were 'ee wantin' un?"
Joe: "No, 'tesn't fer meself. 'Tes the man I got 'un from 'oo tells me the bloke it b'long to want'un back!"
It was hay time and the top-heavy cart coming from the field had overturned in the lane. Its young driver looked at the fallen load in dismay.
"Cum in fer a dish o' tay", said a motherly soul to the boy as he stood there."We'll give 'e a 'and gettin' it right after. You'll feel more like loadin' again after a drink and a sit down."
"Faather won't like un," said the boy doubtfully.
"Faather won't knaw nowt 'bout un," said the woman comfortingly and led the boy, still reluctant, into the house to join her family.
Half an hour later, all emerged to view the situation, the lad thanking the lady but repeating that his father wouldn't like it at all.
"Rubbish," she said, "I'll deal with your faather. Where's 'e to?"
"Under the 'ay", said the boy.
A shopkeeper talking about his assistant:"'Ee dawn't knaw 'nuff to knaw thet 'ee dawn't knaw nawthen."
Said one Cornish bed-and-breakfast farmer to another,"I'll tell 'e, I'll be glad when they furriners stop cummin' fer the Summer. Then I can shave meself and taake me trouser bottoms out o' me boots."
"Iss, I always go to berrins," said an old fishwife from Penzance when asked if she was going to a neighbour's funeral. "'Tes like this, see, if you don't go the other folks berrins, they won't come to yourn."
An old couple were sitting by the kitchen fire one dark evening when the wife said to her husband: "Open the door an' see if it be rainin' outside".
The husband replied: "Why dawn't 'ee call the dog in an' see if 'e be wet?"
Visitor:"How do you do?"
Local: "'ow be 'e, yerself?"
Visitor: Isn't it a lovely day?"
Local: "I s'pose it be."
Visitor: "This is a lovely place to live."
Visitor: "Have you lived here all your life?"
Local: "Not yet, me 'ansome."
A holiday-maker illegally parked was approached by a policeman and asked to move. In reply the holiday-maker said, "This place hasn't anywhere near enough parking space." To which the policeman answered,"Aw well, 'tis a growin' town yew see, wi' a lot fer the council to spend on. So if we can't catch 'ee fer speedin', we'll catch 'ee fer standin' still."
"She thot 'twere I, and I thot 'twere she," said Queenie,"but when we come close 'twadn't narry wan oo us."
With Grateful Acknowledgements
"Perfection is a full stop .... Ever the climbing but never the attaining Of the mountain top." W.G.
The oldest woman of a tiny village not one hundred miles from Callington had lost all but one of her possessions in a fire. To raise money for her, the villagers decided to raffle this remaining treasure. One of the ticket sellers approached the village skinflint. "Buy a ticket?" said the latter suspiciously. "What for then?" "For a raffle." "What's the raffle for though?" "For Dolly Penhaligon." "For Dolly Penhaligon! An' what if I won her then? I've no room at home for the likes o' she. She bean't no use to me 'tall." _________________
Both Tim , the miner, and his comrade, Bob, had forgotten their pasties for croust. One of their workmates came to the rescue with a large piece of figgy 'obbin.' Tim broke it two. One chunk was rather smaller than the other and he gave this to Bob, keeping the big piece for himself. "That 'edn fair," said Bob. "I'd never have a-done that! I'd have given you the biggest piece if I'd broken un." "Well, I've got the biggest piece, so what are 'ee complainin' about?"
Countrywoman, for the first time seeing a train entering the tunnel not far from her home, "Twud be a big scat-up if th'awl wad'n there".
_________________ Old Jan was discussing pronounciation on Penzance quay with a ship's captain from Kilmarnock. "Now," said the Scotsman, "what do you say in this part of the world, 'nayther' or 'neether'?" Old Jan: "Nather. Us dawn't use the expression."
With Grateful Acknowledgements